A few months ago I was struggling to remember more of the abuse, especially more of the first night. I would actually react physically to the attempt to remember, and feel "assaulted" by the time the memory won and I stopped trying for the night. I did break the habit of trying after awhile.

Disturbing Memory

The memory, so quick
for something so powerful
dances just beyond my reach.
I close in
and it strikes, above my heart.
My knees soften.
Shallow breaths lighting up the pain,
I press on
and it strikes, between my eyes.
I stumble back;
I don't want this anymore.
Then I fall
and it strikes, kicking me on the floor.

"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse