(Deep breath)

OK this is my 1st posting here again in about 10 months or so (maybe longer). The last time I was here I wrote about struggling w wondering about my sexual orientation and felt like I was blasted. So in typical fight or flight fashion. I Left.

I am just coming back bc I want some Christian support from some Christian men. I have another website that I post to for abuse survivors but mostly only women post there. I feel safer w women but lately feel like God is telling me its time to learn to connect in healthy relationships w men and w myself as man.

I want a pretty wife who will appreciate and be invested in me and who likes sex. I want to tuck (step)kids into bed someday. I want to have a family and be a family-man-of-God.

Gay porn is getting in the way. I have come to peace w the fact that I am NOT GAY. No matter what the current theological or political debate on the matter, I know that I do not have Love attractions to men. I know that when I get depressed (and the weather has been grey and rainy for the last week and 1/2) that I tend to seek comfort and validation through fantasies w men and doing things which as a child brought approval from the evil priest who abused me.

Bc my abuser was a priest I have wrestled w the basics of God's Love and Acceptance of me my whole life. I have never been able to really, really get it that God desires good things for me. I have instead tried to find validation through work (but I was recently laid off), by being "Mr Nice" to everyone - hoping they will compliment me in return and by dreaming of dating girlfriends. Even though I know in my head that I have been taught that only God can make me feel "good enough". Even though I know in my head that only God can be my life-long Love.

I have a Lot of guilt about my "experimentation" w the gay lifestyle so don't bother yelling at me. I already disgust myself.

So that's it. I will check back later. I am hoping to find some comments that say 'hang in there' or some understanding about how painful it is to have desires which you have to be honest and admit that you sometimes want, but which are keeping you from God.