Here's my story. I am 43 and have been married for 21 years. I was very fortunate to find such a loving and supportive woman to be my wife. About 3 years ago I began having flashes of memory of myself and an uncle in his basement. They were distressing to me but so brief I could not understand why. The images have never become very long but I finally had enough to understand that my uncle had raped me repeatedly over a period of years. The images take place in two of his homes, so I can sort of put a time line on them.
I can remember my uncle being behind me and telling me I can never tell anyone or they will hate me, stuff like that. I have no memory of any pain or sensation of any sort, but I know he sexually abused me. Its just sort of like I remember it in the third person. At the time the abuse started, I was staying with my great grandmother who lived in one part of a duplex with my aunt and uncle in the other. They lived just half a block from my family and my great grandfather had recently died and she was lonely. Also at this time I began gaining a lot of weight, I had always worn "slim" pants and moved into the 'Husky" sizes. I thought it was my great grandmother's cooking, but now I see it was probably a response to the abuse. This started in my 4th grade year so I was 8 or 9. It continued until he moved which was when I was 14-15. I don't know why it stopped.
I had another uncle who owned a restaurant. I went to work for him when I was 15. It was a hamburger and hot dog joint and I would help with the food prep which was again in a basement. This uncle would tell me how much he loved me and how he would like to kiss me all over and have sex with me and his wife at the same time, Real sick asshole. But I was afraid to say anything about this to anyone. I never understood why at the time, but I think it was the blocked experiences with uncle number one.
In high school I never dated until time for my senior prom. I really wanted to go and stag was not an option at my school. You had to have a date. I finally worked up the courage to ask a girl to a movie and she said yes. After that first date I asked her to the prom. Those were my only two dates in high school. I took a lot of kidding from other guys and never really allowed anyone to get to know me in high school.
I went to a Christian college in Tennessee. Meet some pretty good guys my freshman year and it was OK to hang out with them and their girl friends. Meet a girl who was like a buddy for me, but it really hurt that she had no attraction to me. She had a boyfriend back home and I was a safe guy to hang out with. One night the hurt got so bad I was going to walk up to a rocky cliff across from the campus and jump. I was walking and heard a gunshot from the area. I went back to my dorm because no one was going to shoot me. Really messed up thinking but it saved me. I have never tried or thought about killing myself since then.
In my second year I meet my wife. We dated and it was like a new world had opened up to me. We have dealt with a lot of problems with taking care of different family members, but we were always the team. After 17 years of marriage and no kids we tried to see if we could. Things didn't work out for that and we decided not to be overly aggressive in pursuing kids. That was about the same time as the beginning of my flashbacks. I was also working for a real piece of work. A real manipulative jerk.
I did therapy for a little while and then tried to return to my pre-flashback life. That is not working very well right now and I am looking at what I need to do to heal. I have registered for the NOMSV retreat. I'll see where that leads.
That is probably enough for now.
[ March 06, 2002: Message edited by: Kenf ]
Everything works out right in the end. If things are not working right, it isn't the end yet. Don't let it bother you, relax and keep on goin
- Michael C. Muhammad
"I get up. I walk. I fall down. Meanwhile, I keep dancing."
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