Doug and I almost broke up today after my therapy appointment. I told him that I was not happy and that I thought I would be better off if we werenít together anymore. After various courses of why, I ended up steering the conversation towards my being unhappy with sex, falling out of love with Doug, feeling disconnected, wanting to run away and die, being horribly bored, and just about anything else I could throw in the fire. Doug didnít freak out or anything and we tried to calmly talk about our relationship. He got a bit upset when the discussion turned to sex, because that is a big cause of many of our spats.
The truth is, Iím very unhappy. Iím unhappy that Iím unable to connect with other people, especially Doug. Iím bored and disconnected to the world and life and that makes me more bored. I seem to be in a perpetual state of boredom that I donít know how to escape.
Every week at therapy I bring either my laptop or other power toys to hide behind so that I can go to the coffee shop or library or other public place just to practice being around other people. Truth is right now I wouldnít mind it if someone came up to me and asked for my phone number, or vice-versa. I donít care at all about consequences right now and donít think I would regret if the relationship broke up. That scares me that Iíve come to that point.
So Doug and I didnít break up, but weíre still in a state of flux. Iím ready to leave. I think itís time. I hesitate because Iím not sure if it is me just wanting to run away or if it is really what I want. A part of me says that itís really what I want. That is why I have stopped caring about consequences lately. Iím ready to move on. Doug thinks we have a great relationship and that I would be stupid to think that I could find something better. He thinks I would definitely be downgrading. I would possibly have to give up seeing my therapist and going to school, so I was thinking about moving to Seattle because I have a friend who lives there who told me that he only pays a couple hundred dollars a month for rent. Granted, itís Section 8 housing and there are drug dealers everywhere.
We ended on me feeling very disconnected, so that must be why Iím feeling like Iím falling out of love with Doug. Iíve been crying on and off all afternoon. Itís been a horrible day.
An odd duck who likes even numbers.