i went out with my new neighbors tonight -
i listened to them with open ears and talked to them as i talk to you brothers - i listened and i honestly expressed my emotions and life history -

the talking here
made me able to start to do that in a public setting -

and talking face to face to my new neighbors - who have offered themselves in supportive ways time and again - showed me they are safe to be with - this helped me start to talk to them candidly as i do with all of you here -

it was really liberating and an opening of my eyes

tho when i came home to my empty house i almost started to go back into
the old mode of things - the old tapes -
but i started to remember to listen to myself -
as someone else put it here "would i talk to you the way i would talk to me" -
so in a sense - i continued to think -

and i realized - the need and allowances for certain transitions for me - coming home to alone time -

to bedtime transitions - rituals -
to diffuse the loneliness and fear of body memory -
and the fear as if i would dissapear if i were to lay my head down - sleeping alone bites and teddy's are hollow for me -

i have thought about a lot of things thru deciphering my old tapes tonight - my parents -
their seeming unconsciousness -

and thoughts of an old friend - one who offered the following phrase "to just get it out" and the db had been a saving grace in that dept.

so this is my last posting for tonight - getting sleepier - and getting more and more able to be alone and be ok - a confident time as well-

i hope as much as possible brothers you are all getting a good nights sleep - dream what you want to dream -


"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous