I read a post in another thread here, I can't remember which one it was now, but it was about father-longing. I indentified well. A lot of the time I wonder if I'm really gay or if I'm just searching for love coming from a man. My father loved me. He was all I had when I was little, but then I grew up and he got farther and farther away and I wanted him back so badly... and then he killed himself, and I was all alone. I think I had homosexual tendencies before his death but I don't remember this longing or this aching...

I don't know who I am. I just don't know. I don't think I'll ever know. I am attracted to men but I don't know if it's a genuine thing or if I'm just looking for someone to replace my father. It's hard to put this into words. I am not just attracted to the idea of a man but to the man himself which makes me think perhaps I really just am gay but then I read these posts and I don't know...

This isn't making sense. I'm sorry. It's really hard to find the right words.

Sometimes I wonder if I am attracted to women underneath all the trauma that my mother caused. I get this sense now and then that perhaps I am. But men seem safer to me; although they hurt me too, it was always in a physical way and they never fucked with my mind like my mom did. I feel safer with men. I am desperate for a man to love me and protect me and care for me and I'm worried that's just because I didn't get all I needed from my father especially in such an awful childhood situation.

Ok... I found the post I was talking about. It's from the "another hour of my life wasted" thread.

RickL said:
What's attractive about a hairy chest? To me it denotes something "fatherly" and "warm". The child in me wants the comfort and the affirmation, not the sex.
I think it's something like that, for me. But I don't know. I can't tell. I'm so confused.

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see

Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea