I read a post in another thread here, I can't remember which one it was now, but it was about father-longing. I indentified well. A lot of the time I wonder if I'm really gay or if I'm just searching for love coming from a man. My father loved me. He was all I had when I was little, but then I grew up and he got farther and farther away and I wanted him back so badly... and then he killed himself, and I was all alone. I think I had homosexual tendencies before his death but I don't remember this longing or this aching...
I don't know who I am. I just don't know. I don't think I'll ever know. I am attracted to men but I don't know if it's a genuine thing or if I'm just looking for someone to replace my father. It's hard to put this into words. I am not just attracted to the idea of a man but to the man himself which makes me think perhaps I really just am gay but then I read these posts and I don't know...
This isn't making sense. I'm sorry. It's really hard to find the right words.
Sometimes I wonder if I am attracted to women underneath all the trauma that my mother caused. I get this sense now and then that perhaps I am. But men seem safer to me; although they hurt me too, it was always in a physical way and they never fucked with my mind like my mom did. I feel safer with men. I am desperate for a man to love me and protect me and care for me and I'm worried that's just because I didn't get all I needed from my father especially in such an awful childhood situation.
Ok... I found the post I was talking about. It's from the "another hour of my life wasted" thread.
What's attractive about a hairy chest? To me it denotes something "fatherly" and "warm". The child in me wants the comfort and the affirmation, not the sex.
I think it's something like that, for me. But I don't know. I can't tell. I'm so confused.