I am definitely gay; I know this. There are other things I wonder about, though.

I think I have... sort of an obsession with children. Boys especially. I have OCD and I regularly fixate upon any particular subject (they usually are completely random) so I do not know if this is just a manifestation of that or not. I am hoping it is, but this won't go away.

I don't think that it is a sexual attraction. I don't have any desire to have sex with children. This reassures me that I am not a pedophile. There's also the fact that I am definitely attracted to adults... but still, the doubt remains. When I see a young boy in public I automatically wonder if he is or has been abused... and then I think about it. It doesn't arouse me. It seems more like a curiosity.

I am also so ashamed to say this, but I was going on porn sites once and one of them automatically put a bunch of links onto my favorites list. I didn't realize this until later when I went to open a site that was near the bottom of the list. They were links for porn, of course, and one of them was for a kiddie porn site. It was a legal one where they don't show sexually explicit pictures. But one of them was for a male kiddie porn site and I admit I clicked on it. I only saw the splash page and there was nothing explicit there but I felt so dirty that I closed out of it right away. I can't help my curiosity. I am scared.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I am a pedophile or not. I would never hurt a child but if the attraction is there then that is too much for me to deal with. I told this to one friend once, who is now angry at me, and I am afraid he is going to tell everyone about it. I will be ruined. I am so scared and I don't know what's wrong with me. Am I a pedophile?

And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly
From the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see

Neutral Milk Hotel - In the Aeroplane Over the Sea