i'm feeling really down today. this morning the sh*t hit the fan -- i had a big fight with my boyfriend. i'm feeling that the problems in our relationship are my fault, that i'm messed up, that i don't know how to love or how to let someone love me.
we had spent a really nice, intimate weekend together. we've know each other for a couple of months but it was only the second time i had slept over at his place. the first time we literally just slept, but this last time we talked a lot, spent a lot of time in bed, had fun, were sexually playful, etc. technically i guess we did not have sex, although i would say we were sexual with each other (there was kissing, touching, nakedness). there was one time where i felt bad -- triggered i guess, and i told him so, and he asked me what to do, so i told him to just hold me, and he did while i cried a bit and let it out. i thought he reacted really well, he told me it was okay and afterwards i felt good -- close to him and happy that i felt comfortable enough to let him know what was going on with me and happy with the way he handled it. we left each other with plans to meet during the week, and i definitely felt that we were getting closer, i was trusting him, feeling comfortable, letting down the boundaries that seem to be constantly in place.
this morning i called him to plan getting together again. that's when he told me he has been going online to chat rooms where guys hook up for sex, and that he had gone on these sites in the days since we had been together. he told me that he hasn't actually gone ahead and met anyone from these chats, but he has exchanged messages and nude pictures with other guys. he claims that it's just for fun, that he doesn't plan on meeting these guys and that it's just about acknowledging a mutual attraction with guys he finds hot without needing to pursue it further. he also said that the reason he is doing this is that i am not having sex with him, so he has to find outlets for his sexual desires, and he considers the chatting he is doing as meaningless and harmless, that he loves me but since i am not fulfilling him sexually, he needs other outlets for that but wants to continue the relationship with me in all other respects.
well i was floored. i told him that i resented that he was putting the onus on me for his behavior rather than take responsibility for his actions. i said i wasn't making him chat and exchange naked pix, that he was choosing to deal with his sexual frustration in this way. he said i was deflecting the problem on to him, when really the problem was that i wasn't having sex with him, and that this was abnormal. i had explained to him before that it would take me time to feel comfortable around having sex, and he had said he hoped it would happen quickly because he really wanted to have sex with me but he seemed in the past to be okay with it taking the time it took. i asked him this morning if it was too much to ask for him to be patient with me, and he said sometimes it was too much to ask.
so now i feel inadequate. i feel betrayed, like he has been cheating on me although we didn't have any agreement around monogamy and in fact i told him that i wouldn't ask him not to have sex outside the relationship but that i just wanted to know if he was. i guess after the weekend we spent together i didn't expect him to turn to other guys because i thought things were really going well between us. i felt like we were getting closer emotionally and that i was getting to the point where i would feel comfortable around having sex. now i feel like i trust him less because he will just turn to other people if things are not going according to his view of how they should be. i feel it is my fault -- i am a loser, not able to have sex like most people. he told me that i am damaged and that i am the one with the problem and that i shouldn't try to make him out to be the bad guy in this situation, that he hasn't done anything wrong and that he hasn't gone against any agreement that we had and that he has been honest with me, which is what i asked for. while we were talking i had a complete shut down. i just didn't feel anything emotionally and i felt my whole body going cold. the conversation ended with him saying i should think about what we had talked about and that we should call each other when we felt like it.
overall i feel confused, sad and let down. even though he's right -- he has been honest, etc., why do i feel betrayed? why do i trust him less even though he is being honest? why do i resent that he says i am the one with the problem when i am feeling the same thing? why do i feel bad that he is flirting with other guys when i gave him permission to do so? am i being unreasonable in feeling jealous and insecure when he hasn't actually hooked up with other guys and considers the chatting to be meaningless? is it too much to ask for patience? should i be okay with his chatting as a sexual outlet if we arent having sex? i think i love this guy, and i am scared that i am going to ignore my own needs in order to try and make him happy and i will end up undermining my own healing.
i am confused and feeling down about this whole situation. any insights would be appreciated.