Something that you said in your post really touched me deeply:
..i see little boys and my heart breaks......i cry inside and out.......i just want a real life....

I have felt this same feeling on so many occasions...and I thought I was the only person on the planet to be touched in this way. As a classroom teacher - and later as an elementary school principal - I would see these very functional, "together" little boys who are so alive, energetic, and enthusiastic and I would have this overwhelming feeling. Now I know what it was....I was seeing in them the little boy that I never was - but might have been if it were not for the fact that this was stolen from me.

Thank you.....I finally got it!

Dynamite Don