Originally posted by michaelb:
brett....you echo my sentiments exactly.....i'm 42 and have been afraid to have sex with anybody since i was abused when i was younger.....the abuse began when i was 2......lasted a long time..............but i've never kissed or touched a guy sexually, but i think about guys all the time and masturbate looking at guys...playgirl, etc..... but i've made out with girls and have become sexually aroused only to back out of going all the way because of the fear that i'll freak out....i guess i'm afraid all the memories/fashbacks will come back at once and i might really hurt somebody......i've been in therapy for a few months and my therapist has suggested a sex therapist.....have not gone yet but have talked to a couple of guys that have gone and it seems to help.....i'm beginning to come to grips with my sexuality....i'm probably bi-sexual, but because of my borderline personality disorder i only think in black and white terms and being bisexual is in the grey area.....i've been unable or unwilling to accept......but i've told my family i might be gay and they have totally freaked......F--- THEM.......i've lived my whole life in fear trying to please them.....it is time i live for myself......just one question for you.....have you ever had sex with a guy before?????? did you like it?????? why?????? if you'd like to e-mail me to continue our discussion, i can be reached at mikedow24@hotmail.com.....if not, that is ok too.....just take care of yourself......michael

I think in one way or another everyone has a sexual identity crisis at some time in their life. Some may have it early others may have it late. And then some have it in between. For people who have been raped and/or abused in any way I think we tend to add sexual identity and personal identity together more than most. Sexuality does not make the person. Male/Female - Gay/Straight, it all comes down to that old saying "it's who you are inside that counts." I believe, in other words "whatever you are doing - if you know it and feel it to be the right thing for your life then it probably is.
People that are survivors like msyelf all tend to have that "I have to please everyone" mentality. And that "gee what if this person does not like me for who I am" fear. So we re-invent ourselves time and time again. Trying to fit into society and be "normal". Hoping people will like us and won't find out about our deep dark secrets of the past.
Well nobody is normal. Everyone has problems. No one is perfect. That's the cool part of life. If you are bisexual then so be it. If you are straight - great! The bottom line is just being "you" is hard enough without dealing with all the emotional pain inside as well.
It may take us longer to figure out who we are but we all are somebody and we all deserve to be here. To me that is all that matters.