I just need to do a quick vent and say that I'm feeling totally overwhelmed. I told my partner that I should be at Bellevue playing in a crib with a rattle.
Work is extraordinarily stressful right now and my stress is further compounded by major flashbacks and feelings from long ago that are leaking. This past weekend I thought I had everything under control. Then, today at lunch, I saw a blonde waiter and thought that my partner is probably seeing him behind my back because he's a blonde and a twink, etc. and my inner abuser tells me that I should loose control because I can't be everything to my partner.
I don't need that right now. I thought I could come to work and be energized but I'm exhausted, run down, tired and feeling sick. I have full-blown AIDS and am worried that I am going to start to loose all of my health that I have spent so long building back since '97 when I had PCP, et al.
I'm going through total hell right now and am fighting the urge to use my old defenses (running away, pushing others away, sexual release, etc.) to make myself feel better. Of course, it's all at the expense of others, especially my partner.
I'd give anything right now for some magic pill or a mantra--or a padded room with pink walls.