I just wrote my whole story on the main BB.

As I said in my response to the man who wonders if he was gay or not, that is not the issue, but for whatever reason, when I am feeling at my worst, which is a lot lately, I feel the need to act out the abuse with young men, the more exploitive the better, and that is never the answer, in the end but just the way to make me more alone and hopeless.

My forte seems to be to sabotage myself.