Please do not stop posting here! As you have seen, there are many brothers who are very interested in your story, and want to cheer you on to a better, healthier place in your life.
It may sometimes be very difficult to see "the light at the end of the tunnel." But, things can get better -- for you, and for each of us. Often, it takes time and hard work, but we can recover from the abuse we've received (none of which was our "fault").
Please take good care of yourself, David, and stay connected to this site.
We care, we are concerned about you, we send you wishes for peace, and we send you our love.
Love, etc.,

"We are only two and yet our howling can encircle the world's end.
Frightened, you are my only friend.
And frightened we are, every one.
Someone must take a stand -- Coward, take my coward's hand"
Arthur Laurents