First of all I need to say thankyou for just how much good advice I've had from so many of you. It has really helped me to understand certain things more clearly. Also, I have found some of it has made me less 'careful' and a bit more empowered really.
Which leads me onto the issue of who exactly my bf is.....I really feel I just don't know, although I've had this feeling since months ago(before some of the SA came out).
I have come to the realisation that he has given absolutely nothing of himself emotionally in the 12 years we've been together. I think his emotional abuse has been very insidious(a word I learned recently). Leading to me feeling constantly indepted, needy, confused, depressed and not trusting in any of my perceptions. It in fact didn't takt that long at all for me to get that way. I believe I was so weak and disfunctional, I even ended up getting trapped into an affair which I didn't even want to be in. I now know that at that time, his mind/lust was elsewhere anyway. He knew that, but didn't tell me. I tried for years to 'make up for it', never knowing he was 'somewhere else' that whole time. I was so manipulated I even ended up more or less asking to be treated badly. I have been feeling it's all been my fault and worrying that when he makes sense of it all, he'd feel terrible about it. BUT, after my last T appointment I finally came to the realisation that perhaps it's not all my fault. Perhaps I've not really been the terrible, abusive person he made me feel I was. I wonder if he already knew anyway? Which I suppose means I enabled him to be like that, which has been very bad for him. There, now I feel guilty again.
I just feel I've been such a gullible person. I realise now, that I'm some kind of survivor myself. Both my parents were abusive in different ways. My mother was emotionally unavailable when I was a teenager and I felt very abandoned by her after my parents split. My first boyfriend took advantage of me sexually. I had that memory recently of my uncle.....
What these things lead me onto is why I ended up in this relationship. Now I'm beginning to feel more fully how hurt I have been by bf and I'm having all kinds of problems learning to trust him on virtually any level. I feel insecure when he goes distant, but if i try to busy myself, he makes me feel like i've been mean. If I don't make all efforts to instigate conversation, it doesn't happen, so I feel constantly exhausted by trying to keep our relationship afloat. Anything I ever need is impossible for him to give, through no fault of his own(he's working so hard on his T) and he ignores me(he says he's triggered). There is no intimacy(emotionally) whatsoever between us. I can't try anymore as I feel too rejected. If I get inescure about something, he doesn't reassure me, he's cold and mean. I feel unsure of what to believe of what he says as he lies to me about his feelings.
All of this is making me feel further and further away from him. I flinch on physical contact and can't seem to help it. I don't want to feel this way towards him, as I know it's got to be awful for him at the moment. I really want to be there for him and totally supportive, but there seems to be all these difficult feelings in the way.
Things have improved a little this week, thankyou for the advice Larry. I have basically told him my feelings about him distancing himself and he has 'leaned' on me more, so perhaps things are improving.......
I'm just worried all the time about how I can be happier than this. How much his recovery will change the possibilities between us and how can ever be myself again.....