Hi folks, I'm in need of a place to ramble. Feeling really down. Not aware of hope at the moment.
My partner and I have not had sex in a month. I call it "sex" cos' that's basically all it is. We don't make love. That requires presence and an intimacy that my partner does not seem able to give and participate in. And while it might sound like it, I'm not feeling bitter about that right now, just really, really tired and sad.
I have tried for so long
to be patient, supportive, understanding, etc, while also trying to remain positive, attractive and desirable. But in the past month I have gone from a hopeful and emotionally/sexually available woman to one who largely stays well away from
the minefield that is our sex life. If nothing else, I just haven't been able to face the prospect of yet another encounter with my guy that will almost surely leave me feeling emotionally/psychologically/spiritually and sexually alone and abandoned. He seems to have welcomed the reprieve and, while that makes some kind of sense to me, it nonetheless leaves me feeling even worse. He's not so much as even hinted at a desire for any intimacy between us during this time and though I know he's noticed my withdrawal, he's not given any outward indication of that.
Then tonight he called me (en route from his day job to his night job)and casually observed that we've been living more like "roomates" than anything else for the past few weeks. (That, after asking a routine question of how I was and commenting that I sounded really tired.) He didn't seem upset about the situation, just volunteered the acknowledgement. He did say that since we are going to see a counsellor (for the first time) this Thursday night, that perhaps it will at least be a start in helping to relieve the growing strain between us.
I dunno. It's not like me to lose desire for and interest in him, but lately I've just been bouncing around from one emotional state to the next--utter sadness and depression, exhaustion, surrender/resignation, intense anger and resentment, detachment, etc--every emotion and headspace except, other than a few rare moments here and there, hope.
I have read a lot of posts by the men of the MS forums and many, if not all, have a strong ring of familiarity to me. I have mentioned some of them to my partner but he says he's not interested in checking them out himself.
Anyway, I'm starting to wonder if my persistence in staying the course with him is still coming from a place of love and desire or from habit and a reluctance to face the loss of a very dear dream. It is all I can do to get through the days right now. I love my man. I know I do. Right now though, it's hard to feel anything but tired and just very heavily weighed down by it all. I think I've done everything I can, but it feels like I'm the only one (of the two of us) truly committed to working on these issues. Perhaps counselling will help. We'll see. For now though, Thursday night seems a lifetime away and I worry that it'll prove to be "too little too late."
Please forgive me for sounding self-pitying or bitter here. Am feeling a little raw right now.
In the right formation,
the lifting power of many wings can
achieve twice the distance of any bird flying alone.