I am so tired of this journey. To make a long story short, been married to hubby for 14 years and been together 21 yrs (together as teens). Anyway, found out 4 years ago he was raped as a child (from 11-13 yrs of age)repeatedly. He told me because he thought someone would tell me first. 3 years ago, found out he was heavily into online porn which he lied about and denied until I came up with hard "evidence." We have been in marriage counseling for over a year now and little has changed in regards to his shedding his armour that protects his emotions. He denies that the abuse has had any impact on his marriage, but interestingly all my childhood issues (alcoholic household) have a profound impact on our marriage (according to him).. While I have been working on my issues with during marriage counseling, he refuses to acknowledge even to himself that there is a possibility that the abuse has profoundly impacted his life. He read the book "abused boys" did some work on his own for a few weeks and claims that he worked on it and it is behind him. After 11 months of therapy, I finally was at the end of my rope. The therapist had no idea about the abuse, the porn or his pot smoking. I said I am out of this marriage unless you go to therapy and address these issues (the elephant in the room). The therapist said she would keep these things in mind and call him on things when she felt it was an issue relating to these things, but not too much progress has been made. I believe that he has NO idea how this has impacted his life and his relationships, especially with me. I want out, but we have kids. ON the otherhand, I could stay (as separated) to raise the kids, but I don't know that that is a good idea. His dysfunction extends into hisparenting which causes great comflict in our marriage. While I try to be a good parent, he is most concerned with his children always liking him. He aims at being a best friend which I feel is VERY different from a good parent. Sometimes the consequences of doing what is best for them is that they temporarily hate you. That is the way it is. Anyway, I just can't stand this anymore. Would love to hear from you with advice, support, or similiar stories to share. His denial makes me feel like I am going nuts, but in my heart I know I am right.
Thanks for the ear (eyes)