This is probably the hardest note I have ever written. I have decided that me and my feelings are more important than anything else in the world. What this is all leading up to is basically to say that I cant take the bullshit that I am being given on a daily basis lately. I dont think he has any idea of how unhappy I am at this point in our relationship because he is so wrapped up in caring about no one but himself. He makes phone calls on a daily basis to god knows who trying to be very sneaky about them and going in other rooms and talking very quietly. I cant understand why he is being this way, he used to share everything with me. The only thing he is concerned about is himself and he makes me feel like a bother to him except when he wants to have sex. My feelings, concerns, and opionions dont seem to matter at all. I know he has to work on making himself better but now is the time for me to work on making myself better now too. I need to be number one in a relationship I cant accept number two anymore. He seems to want to hang out with his friends more and more and the time he spends with me has been cut down to such a minimum that I am lucky if we spend twelve hours together in a whole week. This hurts, I am not used to this and it seems to have snuck up on me so quickly that my head is spinning and my heart is aching. I am angry and when I try to talk to him about it he just says that he needs to make himself happy before he can make anyone else happy. It seems to me that his therapy is doing the opposite of what it is supposed to be doing because he is becoming mean. I am looking at this as my declaration of independance, my turning of the tables to make me happy which is something I deserve. I love him but I am mad at him. I want so badly for him to be happy, but I also want myself to be happy and if I cant be happy with him so be it. People here have been telling me all along that my happiness counts too but the thing that hurts is it doesnt seem to matter to him. I thought I ment so much more to him than he is recently making me feel. No more number two for me. I am sorry if I am rambling on and on but I need to vent. I feel as though I am nothing to him except like I said earlier between the sheets. I am done with this. The thing that is going to be the hardest for me is I have tried pulling away from him before but that seems to be when he pulls me in close and shares with me for a little while but then as soon as I feel comfortable with the relationship that is when he pushes away hard again. The cycle needs to end and I see it clearer than I have ever seen it before. He has no idea that I have been posting here and he probably never will. I originally came here because I thought this would lend me some insight into the way his mind is working a little and I must admit that it has but not the way I had hoped. I have followed the advise and been patient, just sat and listened when he wanted to talk, and thought I was taking steps to make me happy within the relationship but it just is not working. I have cried to many nights over this. Been on the roller coaster to many times. I am tired right down to my bones. I hope I am not making a mistake and missing out on the great love of my life (which I thougt he was), but I guess that is the chance I need to take. They say there is someone out there for everyone I truely thought it was him and I am sad to say right now in his life the way he is, he is not the one for me I guess. He is deep down a very nice person, a caring person, a loving person, which by the way he doesnt see in himself. Is that yet another side effect of SA? How long does this cycle of pushing away and pulling back right before it falls off the edge go on? How long is a woman in love with a man with the history of abuse that men who have been abused have expected to sit by and wait? I think 2 years is a very long time and who knows how much longer I will be willing to take the reactions to everything he has been through but right at this very moment I am not willing to take it anymore. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?