I have tried to write this post like three times already, written whole paragraphs and then deleted them. I'm just feeling sad and kind of disorganized.
I have never felt this great need to know about my boyfriend's abuse. I have a need to listen and to help him, but I mean, it's not like I'm directing a movie, if he doesn't want to share the wheres and hows that's up to him. All I've ever asked were very broad questions about ages and general stuff about his childhood.
I guess the good news is, he's feeling safer and better able to cope with things, because he's talking and sharing a lot more of how he feels and what he's thinking... including these dreaded details. Don't get me wrong, nothing he says about the past could make me stop loving him or wanting to be there for him. And I know this must be important for him... I feel almost like I am being tested again, like he is trying to see if I can really handle it all, if our love can withstand even the things he's most ashamed to say...
I don't want to let him down, I want to be strong enough to listen and be there for him, I am just afraid that I won't be. And mostly I'm sad... for his sake, I just don't know how there can be any more, it's enough already, it's more than anyone should have to bear already, I just don't know how there's space for more. I feel guilty even for being upset and sick over this. Of course I will listen, of course any small part of this I can take away from him by hearing his pain, I will do it.
There is just some of it I don't know how to process. Some that makes me angry and disgusted at the people who did this, like really sick and shaking. It's like being right back at square one. Some is hard to deal with because I knew him back then... and of course I knew some of the perpetrators too, I just didn't know what they were at the time... I don't have to imagine it, I can put a face and a voice to the things he's telling me about.