sammy and wifey,

wow, what long posts. i feel for both of you.

divorce is hard, i have twice. i was just engaged with a s.a. survivor and she freaked monday night. i got drunk, took some sleeping pills, and went out of it deep. we broke it off, she is the one who i have loved the most in my life. i still never trusted and my lack of trust has became a self-fulfilling prophecy- it ends and i trust others even less.

today, i am resentful . sammy talked abouut the new version. the new version of me was honesty. when i was honest while we were broken up for five months, i did one thing sexually with a man and she could not accept it. shewanted the truth, i gave it to her, she freaked and judged- thinks i have some deep dark secret that i need to deal with. may be right, i think it is bullshit. i can or could be bi or gay but love the shit out of her.

she had a former lesbian tryst and i am o.k. with that. she argues, hers was 12 years ago. mine was 5 months ago, just a bj from a guy in a porn shop when i was severely depressed, before even getting meds. she argues and dwells that that was the third time i did such, 87, 96 and now. i have some deep hidden secret she thinks. i do not think so, i love her to death but i got burned telling the truth.

i can tell both of you are pissed about what your going through.

i get pissed too. also, i do believe in counseling but my ex g/f fiancee went once, would not go again. that said a lot but i was thick headed and co-dependent so i just ignored what my t and told me. so, 7k later in putting down on a house, buying her a new ring that is not refundable, plus the 2.500 i lost on a house the lasttime we split- i am so co-dependent- i spend all my money and loose it.

anyhow, wherever your at, a good relationship is one of almost equals. if any side is dis-proportionatley over giving,etc... the other is frustrated; it won't work.

mine have been all that way, great women i have hurt, great women have hurt me. it is the trust issue for me and many survivors. then it becomes true, it hurts all invloved.

kids, family, they just don't get it. we s.a. survivors are sick at times, most don't funtion "normally". both sides have issues.

acceptance of all this makes a difference. i clammed up with all others, told the truth with thisone, am still alone and not in a meaningful relationship.

i/m going to my first coda meeting tommorow. my t recommended it. i could not go with my fiance for fear of being judged. wed are away now, i am going tommorow for me.

for what this is worth, i hope you all are o.k.
or will come out o.k.,, not without pain for sure, but relaxing as much as you can and realizing you are going through a hell of a process- in, out, back., divorced, counseling - i have done al that shit. i hate it. it hurts, costs lots of money, hurts others, etc..