Hi everyone...I have spent a lot of time over the past 2 days reading posts in this and other forums and feel that I have found somewhere where I will be able to get some support and advice.
My husband has made some rather shattering revelations to me in this past week regarding sexual activities that he has been involved in. He was sexually abused as a child from a very young age and I was aware of this when we married. I have always tried to be supportive of him and help him to deal with his problems. I was aware that he had had some questions regarding his sexual preferences (men/women)in the past and we discussed it at an early stage in our relationship but he has never felt that he was gay and I knew that confusion is often a result of the abuse. I told him if he was gay I would always be there for him but that he should not marry me if there was any doubt in his mind. He assured me that there was no doubt and that he had dealt with the past and was ready to move forward with his life.I often asked him if he had acted on any of his 'gay' feelings and he said 'no',that it was just more a type of 'fantasy/fetish' type thing with him being turned on by the male penis ( in porn,etc), but with no desire to have a relationship with a man.
He has just disclosed to me this week that for many years (including the time we have been married) he has been having sexual encounters with men in public toilets and at sex shops.
He did not come to me with the information, I found evidence and confronted him. I don't know if he would have ever told me of his own free will.
I feel incredibly betrayed. We had a very good and supportive marriage, a stable life, a beautiful daughter, with another on the way, and I feel so hurt that this wasn't enough to stop him from doing these things.
We have started seeing a psychologist and are trying to work things out as neither of us is ready to give up on our marriage yet but I really find I have so many questions and that there is so little information out there for someone in my position.
I feel that if his behaviour is just as a result of the abuse that he can get a lot of support from places like this and if he is gay then there are a lot of support networks for that as well but there is nothing I have found so far for someone in my position. I am incredibly sorry for what happened to him as a child but at the same time angry for the pain and hurt he is causing me now as a result of his behaviour in the recent past.
I would welcome your comments and advice.
Do you feel that he will be able to stop what he is doing and can those urges ever go away ?
How do I help him?
How do I help myself, to be able to ever trust him again.
Etc.... I could go on and on...
Thanks for reading this