ok, so i met this girl, well, she's 21, I'm 20, and i like her a lot. a lot of fun, great sense of humor, good looking, and she really likes me. of course whatta ya know - all my relationships with women turn to shit within a week of getting serious. and i know this is because i am confused sexually and all. i mean, she is good looking but i dont know if i'm sexually attracted to her. don't know if i can be. hell, i'm probably gay after all. (or if you've read my other posts and know me better, it still sucks). but i really like her and didnt just want to go and get weird once it started getting heavy.
so i did it. i told another person face to face about me being abused. i wanted her to know, as an excuse for me, y'know? we shared a lot of stuff about our pasts, and when i told her about it she cared so much and i almost cried (well i did sorta). anyways now she knows and i told her that i wasnt sure i even wanted to take our relationship further - didnt know if i would be able to handle it. so she said ok (even though she is really wanting to go on with it). so now she really loves me and all and there's so much pressure to just try to go for it. i want to make her happy, and i wanna sleep with her too (20 year old virgin here). she loves me unconditionally but the fact that i know that she wants me more makes me thinking about liking her sexually and that just doesn't happen. it just makes me nervous around her now. and it sucks. ok. so what do i do? go all the way, even if it is horrible? just stay god friends and kinda torture her? or what?

by the way, my real name is John. I've been just goin by Harry, and people know me as that but i'm going more towards being honest, especially with you guys, so just wanted to throw that out. you can keep callin me Harry if ya want. I'm used to it. It was just like, for instance, Brian has always been a great help to me (supporter, role model-inspiration kinda guy for me) and i felt bad calling him his real name when he called me Harry. I have no problems with other people's anonymity, I just don't want to be anonymous myself anymore. (but call me Harry or John, i dont care).

oh yeah, and please give me some advice if ya have any. \:\)

oh and also, i have an appontment with a therapist at school here on tuesday. first one. bit nervous - hope i remember to make myself ask about about experience with male sexual victimization. all i know is i'm seeing someone names Joy. i might want a male therapist too, or do i? what's better? what do you guys have? more advice please.

[ September 10, 2001: Message edited by: Harry ]

In the name of the Anger, and of the Sadness, and of the Unholy Fear. Amen.