I was raised by an undiagnosed schizophrenic mother who abused my brother and I our entire childhoods. All flavors of abuse were involved, but I am trying to deal with the sexual abuse right now. But my reactions to grief make doing the work very difficult, regardless of the focus of the work.
My problem is that I can't hold onto the picture of myself as being abused for very long. Like my daughter says, I am the rock of the family, and as the eldest brother with an insane mother and no father in the home, I always had to be as a child as well.
When I feel really, really sad about what I suffered I can get in touch with the feelings for a short time, and then I hear her voice telling me all those horrible messages that shut me down and make me feel like I 'deserved whatever i got'. I think this by itself isn't as bad as the fact that I can't shake the feeling that it's all me. That I really did ruin her life by being born (as I was frequently told). That it was me that made her crazy.
I am in therapy as the result of depression, but I feel like I need more!! I need to be able to grieve, and am having enourmous difficulty doing it.
Thanks for listening.
Edited by CyberChild (09/11/12 02:07 AM)
Edit Reason: removed contact information