I am so happy to have discovered this site. I posted for the first time recently and was elated that there were respondants. I guess I wanted to be responded to in order to feel I was sane. I was thinking my value was tied to the type of responses I received. Sorta tells something about me. I have been opening up to my stuffed away memories. Always very clear and vivid for me. As I stated in my initial post I have returned to recovery from Alcoholism. Was in Therapy and recovery for 4 yrs in 88-92 then relapsed to alcoholism. I am wide open again now these last 6 months and there it is right there waiting to be explored and healed. I feel, I am once again in a spiritual space in my recovery program but the memories and hurt of the aftereffects just seem to roll over me. I have been out of town for bussiness for three days and could have accomplished the work in one. I was and am just in a numb place. A bit of hopelessness creaps in and I pray and read meditations. My old "ace in the hole" suicide is ever present. I do want to live because there is a spark in me. It has always been there and I have at times know peace.
I feel weak to not just press on and get over it. Be tough. You know I am just worn out with being tough. I am crying, I am so so tired.
Thank You all for being here and letting me know there are loving accepting people out there.
[ 07-26-2001: Message edited by: MichaelW ]