I'm havin real difficulty in sorting out my sexual identity. I am married with two kids and was emotionally abused. (I don't remember any explicit sexual stuff).
I am plagued with fantasizies of being punished (by men). That is the way I can have an orgasm -- at least now. My mom is crazy -- and I was the object of her affections (to the exclusion of my father -- who was aloof, scarry and depressed).
I am attracted to my wife - but have a great deal of performance anxiety - which only confirms my judgement that I'm gay. ?I am also attracted to men - first because they represent something I feel I am not - and second physcially. I think I am really bisexual. I am not a stereotypic man at all -- i hate sports - but love art etc. I walk around with a stilted view of male sexuality.
I spoke to my father about it when I was a kid and his response was "if you are that's ok -- don't worry about - people into SM have a lifestyle as well ." He also had quite a pornorgraphic collection in the basement (lots of Male dominataing females - which I saw when I was a boy). My father also told me I would have been better off as a girl that way I would have been taken care of).
Anyway, I am in therapy. I would be interested in any advice people may have about how i can go about sorting things out. I have a very limited idea of what sexuality is - extremely adolesecent - and because I don't oogle at girls - I think there is something wrong.