I have to say that finding this forum was one of the most revealing things in my life. I always imagined that something was wrong with me.
I was molested by my father as a teenager. That fact I am absolutely certain of - where as some of the other posts seem to be somewhat unsure at times.
Since that happened, I have suffered from tremendous sexual anxiety. I know I am attracted to women. I enjoy sex with women. However, I have a compulsion to explore sex with men. And unlike women - where I have some longer-term interest in them, my male interest is compulsive and anonymus. I don't want to know them. I just want them to use me.
I know what is happening is wrong. It goes against my religion. I know that women arouse me. However, ever since my father died, I have had numerous male male encounters and feel that I need to prove something to myself.
I do not even know what the question is that I am asking. I just need to know something. And it keeps driving me back more and more.
If anyone argues that our sexual identity is wired at birth, I would conject that some jack*ss probably re-wired some of us.
I do not disapprove of homosexuality. Don't get me wrong. I have actually found some satisfaction from my male - male experiences. However, much like my father forced me to be the giver of pleasure - I only engage in activities where I am giving now. I am not interested in receiving sex from another man.
I don't understand it. It is never something I rationally chose to do. Instead, it is highly compulsive. I frequently find myself in situations that I do not entirely remember how I got into them to begin with. It is like this quest that has never been fulfilled.
My feelings run from "look what you did to me you bastard" feelings towards my father, to feeling that I should humiliate myself to intensely enjoying doing it. Talk about confusing. And I don't want to stop. I want to do more and more and more until I understand why I want to do it.
If I were receiving sexual pleasure from it (instead of being the giver), I would chalk it up as being bi-sexual or homosexual. I have no problem with that. But what totally escapes me is why I feel the need to give pleasure to some stanger, but not take it in return. It is like I am reliving what my father tried to do to me. But this time, it is me doing it to my self.
I would love to know why. Like I said, it is like I ahve this quesiton that needs to be answered, but I don't know what the question is.