I wanted to share an experience I had this weekend. I have always had quite clear memories of the majority of my abuse and knowledge of the identity of 4 of them. 3 were always together and the 4th came later. The situation is this. I was visiting my parents out of town when one of the group of three came to visit his parents across the street. Oddly enough having been gone from home since 17 (almost 30 yrs) and visiting several times a year this had never occurred before. In my mind I remembered and visualized him even to the present as this big perfect guy who was my idol. I assumed in my mind he had a great life and was just hunky dory. He was larger than me and 5 yrs older during the abuse years. I have never gotten in touch with my anger to this day. I was outside at my parents and he was outside and waved to me. I started toward him and he toward me across the street. I really didn’t know what to do or say and just went. At 6’4” 225 lbs myself I towered over my “idol” that was ”bigger” than me and more powerful those years ago. He was even more dissociated from the present than I. He rambled in really of the wall conversation. It was brief, cordial and empty and we each walked away. I still don’t know how I feel about this. It shattered this image of the powerful older guy taking advantage of me. He was a mess intrapersonally and I thought to myself,,,Damn he’s as much screwed up from this as I am. I started thinking he was passing on his own abuse to be and became so grateful I had not passed it on myself.
I inquired from my mother and learned he has been married twice and is currently divorced and has 4 children.
Still have no clue about my feelings other than confusion.