Jamie said
I don't think you're a bad person, Benny
I just think you're making some bad choices

But then he kissed me

So maybe we're all in the same boat
Good people making bad choices
Hurting each other trying to make ourselves feel something

And for what it's worth, I am sorry

When I was a kid and my dad wanted to really hurt me he would call me a disgusting little shit
And it hurt
Because I was
And because I am
And because I have spent the last 20 years proving him right

Jamie said "You're not disgusting, Ben. You're so beautiful."
And when his hand pulled at my belt loop
Everything good about me lined up and I was less a little shit and more
Loved and useful and useful and useful and wanted and worthy and not alone and peaceful and happy and needed and everything was ok

I am so hurt and broken
And so tired of hurting and breaking

And I am so so sorry