This topic has had a few threads lately. It was the bottom of the barrel for me. The thing down there that scared me.
The CSA monster for me, and only my feelings here, it is about shame. The shame had a double dose. My internal shame, and the fear of society hating me as a broken person.
The gay thing is undeniable. It haunted me. Made me feel dirty. Back wheni was a kid it was a curse. So it felt like my CSA totally defiled me on the inside and out.
What has helped is saying it, or rather typing it out here. Gradually it is less shameful. It took months before I could type out in words that when I was 7 I spent lots of time sucking a cock. But the power of the shame associated with that confession of abuse is fading. It just does not define me.
For same sex attraction? I was groomed and idolized my abuser. I liked it. He did me. I liked that too. I escaped drunken abusive parents to him. Not getting hit and screamed at, and feeling perversely wanted was good. Yes. I had that attraction for a while.
But now, the social acceptance of gays takes some of that sting away. Not that I am gay, but it just isn't a big deal. It is a choice.
The shame of CSA, that is enough. It is ok I enjoyed servicing him as a striated little kid. I have accepted it. And I feel less anxiety in life. So what? It just does not matter.
Like what you like and own it. We survived way to much evil shit happening to us to not enjoy the sex we like.
I wish you freedom, and the courage to be yourself.
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.