This is an attempt to make a schedule of my drama and recovery of the last year. I know I am omitting a number of important events. This last year was terribly difficult for me. Work, family, housing, abuse, school, and my mind were all were unstable and unpredictable. But, there has been a clear and positive upwards trajectory over all the shit.
I tried but failed to file a police report about CSA. They made me tell everything in the front lobby. People were waiting behind me. I called earlier and tried to make an appt. No luck. I failed to report him for rape, or using my body to make child porn. I just stuck to a story that a man once showed me child porn.
This *failure* starts making me incredibly depressed.
January 1st 2013:
Met a really kind friend of a friend. He was super into me and we actually had sex. I was able to have sex without panic. I'll call this man "D".
My depression gets really bad and I start making detailed plans to kill myself. I am drinking every day by this point
April 2013: I call a crises centre about suicide plan and get arrested by police and brought to the hospital. In the hospital a psych accuses me of being a paedophile. Because of the fact I work with children and was abused. Am prescribed anti depressants.
After psych ward I start therapy with my second Trauma Therapist "A".
Go visit D on his farm up north. All my friends say he is a really good guy. We get really drunk. I open up to him about all my stuff and feel accepted. We hug and I feel loved for the first time in years. He ends up raping me on his farm when I declined to have sex. We still end up in a relationship.
Start doing lots of drugs to "escape". Still Drinking
stop therapy with A. We never got anywhere.
Move out of my mom's house and back into the city and land with some amazing and supportive roommates.
Try to return to college.
End "relationship" with D. He was trying to infect me with HIV and I had to go on post exposure drugs once and should have twice.
Start and quit a therapy group. It was too intense. Lasted two sessions.
Realize I may be at risk of losing my job because of mental health issues.
Later that month I start seeing the group's facilitator in one-on-one therapy sessions. For the first time in many months, after our first session I feel hope.
Drop out of college again.
Met a new, nice, and kind romantic interest and we start dating in November.
stop drinking as heavily, stop doing drugs, stop smoking as much. Start exercising and giving myself time for fun.
Stop taking anti depressants get prescribed my mood stabilizers by my doctor which make me feel a lot better.
Re enrol in class.
Learn job is secure.
Start new therapy group.
Quit new therapy group as the group was chaotic and not at all a safe environment for me. I quit feeling good about it.
Still in individual therapy
Not suicidal, accepted into a better school for Math and Computer Science starting in the summer. Not drinking heavily. I still have moments of panic, doubt and self hatred. But I also have moments of calm. I am forward looking and I can see a future I want. I have been thinking about suicide since I was, maybe, 11. To be free of that and the negative dialogue I would constantly subject myself too is beautiful.
One thing I did exclude from this list is my MS relationships and contacts. MS has been huge in allowing me to see myself as a person who has worth. To rid myself of some of the guilt I have about my childhood.
My romantic relationship is a struggle. It's hard to trust and I am simply unable to engage sexually with my current boyfriend. My T thinks I can work though that, but I am not sure I want to. But, I know whatever choice I make I'll be okay and that is very freeing.
“what matters most is how well you walk through the fire”