It seems like we would understand each other. I did not realize what was happening and why I seemed to be void of the "feelings" others have. I am not void of them but I suppress them via Masturbation. I believe that now. I am not a therapist...but this is what I believe. I wanted normalcy in my life, relationships, sex. Yes, all men most certainly have masturbated at one time or another, but not for the reasons I did. Sometimes it seemed punitive, not a sexually relief at all, but almost mad at the world. while "doing it", things seemed better but immediately afterwards, that feeling left and I was not happy with myself.
Your turn if you like.