Dealing with some of my past was like a spiritual and emotional hard workout. I was sore afterwards.

I don't like when I am cranky to my wife for whatever reason. It is hurtful to her, no matter what my reason is. I am responsible for my behavior.

I remember coming to terms with what happened to me. Not as a fact I observed in someone else I could distance myself from, but me. My body doing things.

It was humiliating and I know for sure I had no sex drive for a few weeks, maybe a month. Not everyone is the same though. I put it off for years. Then after deciding to tell two friends in my 12 step group, it felt like a purge in a good way... But I still felt utterly soiled and humiliated.

Until it finally got thru my thick skull that I did not consent to sex with a 15 year old boy at 7, until I realized my body reacts to stimulation no matter what I think, until then... I would be washed under by memories. All of the guilt and shame would flood back in and I just felt like everything I wanted to be as a man was washed away with the tide. It would be the last thing on my mind to be a man with a woman. I was not worthy of a good woman. It was just easier to be an asshole and push her away.

It must look hopeless and frustrating from the outside. I don't know your situation or your man. I only know me.

In a strange way, getting past the fault issue has helped me with the need for external approval so much. In a strange twist, now that I have accepted this dirty stain on my young life, I really don't care so much about what others think or external approval.

Fuck em if they don't like me. And that attitude has helped me make some normal male friends. I think it is the typical normal male attitude.

Sorry your situation has brought you here. I hope you find what you seek.
I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here.