For me, this thread is like a never ending labyrinth. I appreciate the feedback I've gotten here.
At the risk of heading further into the abyss, I'd like to share another piece just beyond my reach.
After a relatively peaceful day, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt my leg clutch itself, as if to defend against something.
I'm beginning to make connections to this impulse and the many ways in which my body has felt it had to hold on, until a bit of peace and security return.
2. NON CONCEPTUAL - we just haven't a clue what is happening yet our body does. Especially when it happens as a pattern our body stores the physiological ( the feeling itself of say pain, or pleasure ) way before we have the ability to understand what the hell just happened.
I know this might sound a bit too circumstantial, but what I think I'm holding onto is this kind of pattern. It's as if there is the constant loop of pleasure and pain and it never ends and I have no idea of why it is there.
This experience of wondering "what the hell just happened" is basically what I go through each time I see my family.
In order to consciously decouple pain and pleasure it seems like I have to take a dive into a sea of dissociative and diconnected memories. While this seems a little extreme, it is also true that from time to time I'm probably swimming there anyway!
Thanks for the wisdom here. Would appreciate any additional feed back, anecdotes, stories, sensations, as I feel like I am a little child in a little body resting in the flesh of a man.