I'm here. Have been sitting on these issues for so long, but have been glued to "Victims No Longer", a book I think God put in front of me. Not everyday does a male incest book "show up" right in front of you in a public library. Got it used, sat on it, then pulled it out one day. It was all me. Called my best friend and cried in her ear. Can't even stand the "girlfriend" thought because she could abuse me. She is very healthy, but my fear is incredible.
I AM HERE BECAUSE I TOO AM A LIAR. THIS HAS BROUGHT SIGNIFICANT INSECURITY IN OUR RELATIONSHIP, AND WHEN I GET HONEST WITH HER I REALIZE I AM SO DAMN SCARED. SHE IS VERY ACCEPTING, BUT I KNOW I CANNOT DRAIN HER. HONESTLY, I FEEL SHE, LIKE OTHERS, WILL ABANDON ME. I'M SCARED.
I AM A LIAR FROM ALL MY FEELINGS. DON'T KNOW HOW TO FACE THIS. HAVE TRIED ALONE. HATE HAVING ANYONE KNOW. FEEL ANGRY AND READY TO FIGHT WHEN I THINK OTHERS GET TOO CLOSE. BUT I....WOULD DESTROY MYSELF WERE IT NOT FOR OTHERS. LET ME EXPLAIN.
I CONTACTED VOICES IN ACTION TWO WEEKS AGO, THE HARDEST THING I EVER HAVE DONE. IT WAS SO HARD. GOT THEIR RESPONSE AND SIGNED UP FOR A WRITING GROUP. BUT I AM ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW!!!! NOBODY ELSE IS THERE. CALLED VARIOUS NUMBERS THIS MORNING AND FINALLY GOT IN TOUCH WITH A LOCAL LADY WHO WILL SEND ME INFO ON COUNSELLORS (WHO I CAN'T AFFORD), BUT THERE MAY BE HOPE THERE. I JUST WANT TO CRY, AND I HURT MYSELF, NOT PHYSICALLY, BUT WITH ALL THE NEGATIVE FATALISTIC EXPERIENCES FROM OTHERS. THEY PREACH DOOM TOO. "WE DO THIS..." TURNS INTO "WHY DON'T I THEN" AND I FOLLOW SUIT. ISN'T THERE ANY GOOD NEWS OUT THERE?!!!. I NEVER HAD IT AS BAD AS SOME, BUT WITH PHYSICAL INCEST FROM BROTHER, AND EMOTIONAL INCEST FROM MOTHER, NOONE KNOWS MY PAIN. I FEEL ALL ALONE. I THINK I AM ALL ALONE. ANYTHING ELSE, IN MY MIND, IS IMAGINATION. I HAVE NEVER REALLY BEEN THERE....WITH OTHERS. I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE, BUT ASKING FOR HELP IS SO HARD.