Thx for the words guys. Got me thru that one. I guess what it may have come down to was that when I was feeling hopeless and rejected, my reaction was to start rejecting. And rejection is an unfortunate fact of life in my business. Make sense? I dunno.
I'm trying to pull it back together with clearer thot, particularly about what's better for me at home. And the feline thing is a major part of that. I'd like some feedback:
Thot I'd be brave and, while dropping off something else at the agency, went into the cat room because I had a couple candidates for Charlie companions. Bad move (maybe). Nero (the "bully") was there, keeping to himself and (ugh) meowed me a greeting which I had to ignore (not at all like me).
He's definitely a one-cat/one-human feline. He's more my "shadow" than Charlie, more eye contact, more talkative, more inclined to nest or spoon with me. And he was my first foster. Charlie's not at all that way. Nero's the one, when I've been depressed, just naturally took to the adjacent pillow, rested a big ol' paw on the back of my hand and fell asleep, service animal style, imo. I'm starting to think he might be a better choice for my personality.
However, I'm also thinking Charlie's potential perpetually head-butting companion (Evie) might already be that way. Charlie's recovered nicely for his personality, but I'm thinking he'd do well about anywhere with any cat...thus, more adoptable. As it was, a couple people were already vying for him anyway. And I wouldn't be inclined to have concerns for him in the cat room.
Nero's background is that he's a street stray brought in by a disabled woman - story is he arrived on her lap in a wheelchair - and is the kind who took on the job as official office greeter because he doesn't do well socially with other cats. Just occurred to me he's apparently a natural for those of us with disabilities.
It seems to come down to a potential kitty family or jus' me and Nero.
(I have to remember it was just Ricky and me for seven years and I'm perhaps looking for that same kind of one-on-one connection...not to mention Nero seemed to naturally take up the same "guard" position on the front walk about which a couple neighbors commented. He also has many of the physical, verbal and personality traits of several of my previous all rolled into one. Can't seem to ignore the mystical side of that one. I've just felt a closer natural connection).
Not doing anything about it right now. Haven't even discussed it with the agency. Just brought it up to a friend. Would appreciate any thots, especially fr the kitteh people on the board.