I have talked to T and my "posse" ( support group) about this topic but it really scared the crap out of me.
The time is not right today nor tomorrow, but someday it will come up. I know it and dread it. It's been "easy" to think of it in the abstract as my kids were toddlers but they are growing fast into thier own people which is an amazing thing to witness and be part of.
I thankfully had some people around me here at MS in my early days to discuss being a dad... again thankfully I got to learn some things by their " mistakes" and have worked very hard to keep my transference out of done of the parenting. A few men I love and trust explained to be they were so hyper vigilant that it negativly effected thier kids and to consider allowing them to live thier lives. I'm certainly watching and caring for them, but I allow them to experience life and be children.
One of the lessons I lea rned from ken singer in regards to this is also we can't always be there and protect them from every situation but if we teach them to stand up for themselves and speak up the chances go way down they will be hurt. I take this advice to heart and work on it with them all the time.
I enjoy a pretty good relationship with the kids girl,9 boy, 6- and I think I provide a safe enough environment fir them to bring thier problems and woes to me. It has happened when my daughter was teased at school and she came to me right away, we talked and safely worked it out. Im grateful to those who helped me figure that out.
I changed my thought process about professing if anybody hurt my kids Id physically harm them. While it's natural to feel that is actually a very harmful thing for children to hear. The fear of them losing their dad to jail or getting killed could prevent them from telling me things we need to discuss....So I suggest, ask, plead with parents to not say such things to thier children.
I'm far far from a perfect dad but worked through the concept of " the good enough parent" with T and I certainly feel Im doing a pretty good job.
This disclosure though weighs on me very much. I suspect they will be wonderful supportive kids like they are with a lot of empathy and support thier dad even if they don't understand or comprehend the trauma. We don't really lie to our kids, do some day soon my 9yo is gonna ask me something, I can just fell it, maybe it's because she's at the age of my onset, IDK but I don't want her looking at me different, a common worry with disclosure.
IDK. that article I just read hit me and thus post is the result....In some ways it's " easier" to hate a neighbor than to hate your brother or thier uncle... incest is so messy
Edited by Castle (01/09/14 03:19 PM)