Originally Posted By: roadrunner

Treadmill_Guy you seem to be talking about acting out - or thinking about acting out - when you say this:

Originally Posted By: treadmill_guy
I don't find men physically attractive. Women always draw my attention. But there is something about a man's penis that draws my interest and fantasies.

Part of the reason a survivor may feel this way has to do with control, as someone else has already said. As a boy you learned from abuse that you were helpless and powerless; the abuse involved loss of control. So in these fantasies you are creating scenarios were your control is restored.

You might ask why you would create a scenario in which you are still performing sexual acts reminiscent of the abuse. Again the answer lies in your youth. Abuse can leave a boy with no boundaries and feeling he is good only for what the abuser wants. Do you remember feeling like an empty shell with no "me" inside anymore?

You fantasize a sexual situation in which you are back in control, but the situation is one that reflects the negative feelings you learned as an abused boy.

It sends chills down my spine to read posts that hit home for me like this. Learning why I have the feelings and desires that I do I hope will help me in the healing process. This thread gives me enormous comfort knowing that I am not alone in these powerful impulses that i am experiencing. The last thing I want to do is ruin my marriage by going through with these impulses - and I have come very, very close on many occasions over the course of my marriage to giving in to these urges again.