So not surprisingly, my sex life has been confusing and difficult to understand for me. I don't think that'd surprise many MS members here. I'm starting to get really tired though of just not feeling excited about sex at all and not having any noticeable sexual attraction.
Before I went into therapy, I was all over the place. I liked girls, but was really shy and reserved around them. The couple of times I was able to be sexual with women, I enjoyed it, but was also never really all that crazy about finding sex. It was fun and enjoyable, but not as awesome as some people made it out to be.
I never acted out with other males after my abuse from my cousin ended, but I thought about. I experimented with gay porn for a while too, but all that ever led me to was anxiety and this feeling that I was constantly re-victimizing myself whenever I tried to get into it. Two therapists of mine and all the CSA books I've read seem to back up that that's relatively common for male survivors of sexual abuse, and after most of my therapy was done, I never really had an interest in it again.
Therapy finished for me by the time I was 23 (although the older I get and the more I think about my life, I find things that I want to discuss), and a lot of the traumatic sexual parts of my life that I had compulsively revisited faded away, and I felt happy. I actually had sex for the first time in a few years after I finished with a girl that knew my friend, who came on to me strongly one night. I hadn't considered it before, but it was like as soon as she mentioned she was interested I was dead set on it. I was nervous about how well I'd perform, but otherwise I just remember feeling like "hell yeah, I'm back, it's a new me, and things are gonna change from now on!", but after that we went our separate ways. I kick myself for it, because she was a really sweet girl. She wrote me off as a one night stand though, and instead of pursuing it, I just thought "well people will judge me for it because they'll feel like she isn't attractive enough for me" etc, which is exactly what some of my friends who witnessed the event did. I felt like my family would have done the same thing to me.
It's been several years since then though, and I don't know if it's lack of resources, stage fright, or what, but I just don't feel the need to have sex. If it was available to me, I wouldn't mind having it at all, but at the same time I don't really care to go find a girlfriend.
I wondered, as I sometimes do, if this was somehow a sign that maybe I was gay, but didn't think that was right. It seemed much more likely when I was younger as I had SSA, but in therapy after learning about how some abused boys develop things like penis fixations or try to compulsively revisit their abuse through fantasies, that went away. The older I get and the more I think about and consider it, it doesn't seem likely anymore. I have TONS of male friends, and I'm not romantically or sexually attracted to any of them. I had a friend of a friend who I was pretty positive (could have been projecting my cousin onto him so I am not the best judge) was coming on to me, but I wasn't sure and I ignored it. I just didn't care for it.
On the flip side, I have a damned near impossible time trusting women, and I have such bad approach anxiety that I defeat myself before I even try to approach. If the girl is a mutual friend, that's different, but it's damned near impossible for me to meet single girls that way, and even if I did, then what? The last time I had a close relationship with a girl I kept her at distance as a friend because we worked together and lived in the same dorm building, but we used to flirt all the time and there was heavy sexual tension between us. She sat down next to me once and just put her hand on mine and that was enough to get me turned on, but I was so afraid that if I slept with her I'd screw up any relationship we had between us that I never took the leap, and I think that hurt her feelings even more, and over time we lost touch. I regret that situation as well, but recognize full well we were both emotionally damaged and that any relationship probably would never have gotten past a "friends with benefits" type thing with a lot of confusing and complicated feelings in the middle.
I had another female friend come on to me the same way back when I used to smoke weed (that was my freshman year), saying that if I let her smoke with me she'd make it worthwhile. She had a boyfriend though (didn't know him personally, but he was friends with some of the kids I was hanging out with at the time), and I thought it'd be sleazy of me to use her for sex in exchange for some pot. retrospect, I realize that we were both in college, young, and not permanently tied to any real relationships. Part of me thinks it would have been a lot of fun to have slept with her, but I think morally I made the right call. I still wonder about it though.
All of those events with those girls had the same thing in common though - I never thought sexually about that person until they voiced their interest. I still get a little excited thinking about what could have happened or did happen, but wonder why I can't just see attractive women and go "oh wow, I'm attracted to that girl, I'll go try to get to know her". Instead I do this "she looks cute, I don't want to bother her though so I'm not going to", and then I wonder if I was ever really attracted at all.
I'm on zoloft and wellbutrin right now as well, and although wellbutrin is supposed to make you crazy sexual and zoloft is supposed to make you not sexual at all, I have basically no sex drive. I'm wondering if all this means is that I'm asexual to some degree. If I had to go the rest of my life without sex, I'd be kind of bummed out, but I have no illusions that I could absolutely live like that day to day without any issues other than thinking "well this is a bummer".
Just needed to vent the frustrations. I just wish I could function in this realm.