Hope everyone here is doing well. Currently in the military. Been to just about every country. I have a wife and three children, one on the way. My life has been pretty good until last Friday. Last week I went to the Sexual Assault Victim Advocate course so that I could volunteer to help those who experience this kind of trauma. On Friday the biggest bombshell of my life struck me. I went through this entire course and on the last day it all came to the surface. I was able to talk to one of the Victim Advocates there, but for some reason I cannot bring myself to say it out loud or write it down. The whole story that is.
I'm not quite sure why typing out the story isn't a big deal (It just doesn't seem as serious as writing or speaking it. I feel like if I write it or speak it, then I'm really admitting it.) Anyways, I'll give you a gist of the story. When I was 14, I was put into foster care. My father was a drug addict, and I lived with him until then, but his addition was not allowing him to properly care for me. Lots of neglect. So I'm in foster care for about six months, nice family, nice house. Seems like my life took a turn for the good. There was another foster boy in the house a year younger than me. Openly gay. Whatever, no big deal.
We shared a room together, and all was cool at first. Until he started making comments about me and things that he would love to do to me. Then, that turned into him asking if he could perform oral sex on me. For a while I fought him off man, but I'll tell you, the more someone asks you the same thing over and over.....it wears you out. I gave in. I really didn't want to do it, but I wanted him to shut up! I mean, I really didn't want to tell my foster dad and cause issues either. I enjoyed where I was at. For the first time I had stability in my life.
He did his thing, but man.....it started getting crazy. I was super uncomfortable. It wasn't right to me. I would wake up in the middle of the night and catch him doing crap to me. Oral, playin with me..whatever. He would sweat it off like it was no issue. I retreated to myself because I didn't feel like I could tell anyone. I felt really embarrassed. I wasn't gay (still am not) but I didn't want people (or my foster dad/brother(whom my dad had already adopted, not the same person in the story)) to think I was. I shrugged it off, it continued to happen. One day I get home from school and my foster dad called me upstairs and he was there with the foster kid. Awesome.
This little jerkface told his (I'm a little angry about this part) therapist that I was asking him to do this crap to me! By North Carolina law, she was obligated to tell my foster dad, and he believed her. Not once asked me what happened. Anyways, he separated us into different rooms so we weren't sleeping together. This kid still made remarks about me and the way I looked. He knew he got away with it though.
After that, I buried it really deep, it would flash into my head every so often, but I would push it away. Since the class (not sure why it decided to surface now) I feel extremely uncomfortable in my skin. When I am alone I feel like there is a heavy weight in my chest (like I am in the gym and there is a barbell on my chest that I can't lift off). I feel sick to my stomach cause I want to throw up sometimes. I get headaches, sometimes I feel the urge to cry but I fight it off. I'm still trying to make sense of everything. I can see certain aspects of the situation, but other details are blurry, which makes me feel like my memory is not dependable and therefore I am at fault somehow, someway. I've told one other person, and I don't want to tell anyone else (even though I have scripted the conversations in my head). I want to forget it again, but I can't. I'm afraid that subconsciously this issue has affected the way I am with my children and that is not right. I want to be healthy and raise my children right, and love my wife. This is messed up to me.
I appreciate this forum, and glad to be here. If you have any words of wisdom/encouragement I would be grateful. Compared to most, my situation is not that bad, but it feels like the worst thing in the world to me......Thanks for listening!
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and he will make straight your paths.