This is my first post on this site. I wanted my husband to come here but he never did. He told me about his abuse a few months ago after I caught him talking to men on a gay pornography site (I am female-and he is straight...at least I thought he was...I don't know). It was very hard to deal with (I am personally very liberal when it comes to sexuality, but I guess a little old fashioned when it comes to my significant other...)
I also was concerned at the time I found out that he had been cheating g on me with men, but seems he wasn't. I remembered learning about male sexual abuse victims and the possibility of them having confusion over their sexual orientation and thought maybe that was what was going on because he said he's never been with a man and doesn't want to be with one. He just got turned on by it and liked the attention. It's hard for me to understand because I feel like I give him lots of attention...it's him who doesn't give me much attention.
I also wanted him to go to counseling because he drinks a lot and I feel he needs to deal with his past. But he won't go. Our relationship has been strained for a while now. When he's drinking we have gotten in some bad fights (nothing physical). I get to the point though when he starts drinking that I get scared...I'm worried his anger will one day escalate and it will get physical. I've told him this but it doesn't seem to stop him from drinking.
I guess I am here because there are so many things about our relationship that worry me. I try to talk to him but he puts up a wall. There are so many things about him and the way his with me that I wonder are because of the abuse. He's not very affectionate. He was in the beginning-always holding my hand, cuddling etc...but now he hardly touches me. He doesn't kiss me or hug me when he comes home or in the morning. He never randomly does either. And we don't have sex very often...once a week if I'm lucky but usually once every two weeks. I want it more. I guess too because when we have sex it actually feels like he wants me. I don't feel wanted most of the time. He does do things for me-which I know are a guy's way of showing they care about you -like scraping my car off in the morning when we've had snow. But other than that I don't feel desired at all. I know this sounds so selfish. I guess I'm just scared that he really doesn't care about me and wonder if any other wives have felt this way?
More than anything it kills me to know he went through the abuse and still lives with it. He also suffered from physical and emotional abuse from his mother and grandmother and wAs sexually abused by a close male family member-how do you ever get over that? I love him so much...but feel so often that there's part of him I'll never know.
Anyway, thanks for listening.