Today was the first step in what will probably be a long meandering path to healing. For the longest time I have been trying to figure out what exactly I went through as a child. This boy was my best friend and the coolest kid I knew. As far as I know we were the same age. I did almost anything to impress him because I looked up to him. I allowed myself to become a victim of bullying and of sexual abuse. I never considered it sexual abuse until this week when I realized it was always him initiating it and me obliging. This happened sometime between the age of 4 and 9, and it happened a lot. I am not sure exactly how many times or over what period of time.
Today is the first time I googled “adult man victim of sexual abuse”. I was ready and willing to take this secret to the grave with me. But I realized that a lot of the behavior explained in the articles that I read mirrored the fact that I have been willing to do anything to please the people in my life and allow myself to be bullied. I have always run from confrontation and ignored emotional situations.
I have occasionally thought about that time and immediately buried it in my mind. I thought this would be the pattern of my life and came to accept it. I never pursued information related to male sexual abuse victims because I never really considered it abuse, but considered myself a willing participant. But as I mentioned earlier, I would do anything to impress the cool kid, so I was willing but I believe I was being manipulated.
I never turned to drugs or alcohol to deal with this. I was terrified of committed relationships and pursued women throughout college and my early adult life. Four years ago, I found my wife and she evened me out.
I thought about telling my wife of six months and partner of four years a few times over the course of our relationship. But after reading about how miserable some men become after keeping these things locked up I decided to spill my guts. She is beyond supportive and found this website for me.
Hi everyone. If you have questions or would like to talk please ask away.