i have told my wife the outlines and summaries of my abuse history - but never all the details. i just finished writing out the most complete account of it that i have ever attempted. i told her yesterday i wanted to tell her everything. while she was out both yesterday and this morning, it was a big temptation to use my usual go-to comforting tactics - but was able to stay "clean and sober."
so this afternoon i read my story and told her pretty much everything. there were details that were really hard for me to say out loud - especially to my wife. i thought i was sparing her by not sharing it all. but she felt i didn't trust her. so now she knows the ugly truth.
i don't know how much you all know about me here - but i was abused verbally, physically and sexually by a step-dad, bullies at middle school and boy scouts and molested by a stranger in my teens. i never acted out voluntarily with others - only in my mind and with porn. but some of the facts were quite brutal and unpleasant.
it was a difficult afternoon. she cried. i cried. she hugged me. i let her. we talked a bit more. she was sad for me, angry with the abusers, incredulous at my mom's denial. she repeated that it wasn't my fault and that i had nothing to be ashamed of. she thanked me for trusting her and telling her my secrets. i thanked her for still loving me - for believing that i wasn't to blame - and for assuring me that she will never leave.
i have also told her about my participation on the MS forums and about a couple of other website forums i also frequent for survivors and for guys fighting SSA.
i feel like we are going to be closer than ever - i think i am understanding intimacy much better. and i feel much more relaxed and at peace. it is good not to have to hide any more.
i am not telling you all this to brag or make you feel bad - but to give you hope that it IS possible. 2 years ago i was a mess and we were very far apart.
"the scariest thing about abuse of any shape or form, is, in my opinion, not the abuse itself, but that if it continues it can begin to feel commonplace and eventually acceptable."
- Alan Cumming, "Not My Father's Son"