Just wanted to say I appreciate your response here. I'm still trying to be open to all the feelings.
I suppose you are right. There is something here about my Dad finally being there that I may be holding onto. The losses of that not happening are huge and it can feel like the abyss is ever present. This is an emptiness that I have tried to fill with unsatisfying things for many years. In some ways letting go of that is harder than mourning the bigger loss. I like to think I did such a good job of taking care of myself, but in reality, I was surviving the best way I could.
I'm not exactly sure what it means to take care of myself today. It seems scary to try and find out. Perhaps it is not what comes to mind immediately, but what follows on acceptance.
Lose the drama; life is a poem.