warning : triggers

true story.

once upon a time,
i got involved with a foreign diplomat who happened to be a
member of a sexually permissive and promiscuous religious cult that i was considering.
he was trying to convince me to join.
i knew him over the course of a couple years.
he had 5 daughters and a wife.
he worked at the consulate.
he was also a smuggler and a musician, which is how we became acquainted.

he was often overseas, and we continued correspondence by mail.
we even discussed joining him on one of his missions eventually.
this was way back in the early 1980s and i was in my early 20s.

one night, while he was in town, we got drunk together.
he cried and told me that he wanted out of the cult.
he was having second thoughts about the "free love" ideology.
he revealed to me that the sexual activity included ritual abuse of the children.
the adults had the responsibility of "teaching" them that it was "natural" and there was "no shame".
this behaviour was encouraged openly within the cult,
but members were urged to conceal it from the "evil" outside world.
i saw this myself in material produced by the organization.
i won't go into detail, but it was detailed.
this has all become public record since then.

back to his story.
he claimed the cult was controlling his every move,
and he was feeling fear instead of love.
he had made the mistake of expressing his doubts to his wife.
she ratted him out, and called in the leaders to confront him.
together, they tearfully begged him to stop listening to the devil's voice,
which was any point of view other than the cult leader's.

he decided to leave,
but was unable to convince his wife to come with him,
and he was not allowed to take his children.

he returned, later, with the authorities,
but, by then, his family had disappeared.
this incident occurred in thailand.
the cult had camps all over the world,
and he had no idea where they could be.

now, the story gets bizarre.

while we sat there talking about this,
his telephone rang, and it was his wife,
calling from some secret location,
begging him to return to the cult.
she loved him, jesus loved him, god loved him, the leader loved him.
then to prove that his children loved him,
she put the eldest daughter on the phone to plead.

he kept asking where they were, sobbing,
but they did not disclose that information.

i sat and listened to the brief call,
and i was also able to overhear the other side of the conversation.
i heard his little girl saying, "daddy, please come back, i don't want you to go to hell. i love you." and so forth.
it was heartbreaking.

it did not seem fake.

i felt sorry for him, as he was pretty broken up after he hung up.
there was not much more to say, so we kept drinking and smoked some killer weed.
he went to bed and i passed out.

i was having an intensely erotic dream,
and suddenly snapped out of it.
he had snuck back into the room and had managed to undo my pants without waking me.
i looked down and he was going down.
i immediately pushed his head away and got angry.
not because of what he was doing,
but because it was without my knowledge or permission.
i had already been previously abused so often, and was living such a crazy life, this seemed like no big deal.
i was upset, but i still felt sympathy for him.

he mumbled some kind of apology, and left the room.
i left the house, and never saw him again.

what bothered me the most, for quite some time,
was how horny i had been in the dream.
i was having sex with a beautiful woman.
when i became conscious of reality, the arousal turned into such a sudden strong nausea, i literally almost threw up.
i feel sick right now, just remembering.

i felt betrayed that he hadn't had the decency to ask my permission, first.
at that confused and curious time in my life, under the influence as i was at that moment, i might have consented.
it wasn't a surprise or shock that he was bisexual.

he and his wife had already made several previous sexual propositions, including offers to join him and his wife together, but although i was interested and she was attractive, the offers were made during serious and sober situations, i would feel awkward and inhibited, and something always made me politely decline,
with a hint of "maybe later".

i learned that this was part of the recruitment process.
members were instructed to lure and entice potential members sexually.

as fantastic as this story may seem,
it is not fantasy.
i don't care if you believe me.

has anyone else ever felt the same?

or am i facing this alone?