I am 38 years old.
Other than being sexually abused from around 9-11 I have never been with a man. I have never had any same sex fantasies, any sexual dreams have always of the opposite sex. Yet, I am tormented by the feeling that I may be gay. Recently, I've been going on gay porn sites to try and watch it to see if I feel anything. I usually watch a minute or so and turn it off. This is the first time in my life that I have done that. After my abuse I was mired in compulsive sexual behaviors. It had been the only way I experienced some sense of intimacy (always opposite sex). However, in 9 years I have been single.
Is it possible that after the abuse I acted out exclusively with women to hide that I was gay and that I have been behaving exclusively straight trying to hide it?
I feel so confused. I just don't know for certain what my sexual orientation is. I can say well maybe you are bi but that doesn't feel right.
The bigger issue is that I feel like a fraud as a heterosexual man. I am embarrassed to tell people that I am straight as I imagine they would burst out laughing at me. Other times I just feel so gay...I feel that in that I feel like I have nothing to offer a women.