Wow, thanks guys for the excellent responses to my post. You have all certainly given me a lot to think about in relation to my original post on imagination. Eirik
Thanks for sharing your personal recollections of the moment you said, "No more, I wonít be like them." That really touched me. I donít know if I can narrow my reliance on imagination or fantasy to specific moments like that, but rather think it was a slow fade into another world as my mind struggled to deal with what was happening in reality.
I looked at my left knee and made a pact with myself I never went back on.
Maybe that's been a curse. Maybe a strength.
I feel too I have been torn between viewing this as a curse or a gift. I am leaning toward gift. But, I am still struck with uncertainty of what to do with the boy parts I am uncovering, or boylike manners and behaviors I still cling to. Is the answer to teach them up as it is called? Or is it to let them run with carefree abandon? Or a little of both at the right time and place? I still feel like I am sorting that out, but I am running on fumes in terms of judgment around who I should be and what I should act like. I for one vote for you not to lose all of your fluffy bunnies. I think they really are a key to your heart. (P.S. I was just listening to Disarm the other day!)Don
Thanks for sharing about your past abuse and family issues and how they impacted how you felt about yourself. Your response has been a revelation to me as well. I am heartened to hear that even if you have not acted on your creativity, you still have access to where it resides inside you. I think it will be key to unraveling and subsequently surviving as you work toward uncovering what happened to you. I was a late bloomer too in terms of getting memories, mine have finally been fleshing out in the past year.
Wonder and awe are not incompatible with increased age. I have deleted responsibility from my vocabulary and replace it with responsiveness. I pray that I am always responsive to my true nature.
This meant so much for me to hear. I have often thought that my sense of wonder remained intact, despite the abuse and some harrowing lows off and on throughout the years. I really like how you have let go of responsibility and instead strive for responsiveness. There is such a hopeful aspect to that. Walking on through the recovery of abuse feels like walking into fire sometimes, but perhaps that is the only way to burn off the husk that we had to plaster around ourselves in order to survive, and finally reveal our inner selves and the authenticity that comes with it. I have full faith you will find and eventually come to love yourself, including the inner song and creativity that exists inside you. Dave
Thanks for your response. Your kindness always lays across your words like a warm blanket. I too was a daydreamer. I had a killer memory and deep inquisitiveness, but lacked any sustained attention span to really capitalize on them. My heart breaks to hear you talk of how your dreaming and imagining were stolen from you by the abuse. The cuts of the CSA run deep indeed.
It wasn't until I released my secrets that the imagination returned. It wasn't conscious on my part, it just started to appear, little by little. I just happened to realize one day that I was dreaming about my future.
With this statement, I feel you are on your way to mending the wounds to your imagination. You are seeing more doors of possibility around you now. Soon, I hope you will cautiously start to open them and see what lies on the other side. Then, you will pick one and you likely not recognize who you left on the other side of that doorway. You will become who you were meant to be.
Thanks again for the very thoughtful responses. You have given me much to think about and consider here.