Hello and best wishes to everyone. I am Scottie. I choose the smile emoticon because while Blush may have been more appropriate, ( due to my feeling embarrassed by the abuse I took and my bodies reaction to it) I felt the fact that I am rather happy in my life and have such a grand life despite the abuse
Introducing oneself is always hard, even harder when the people you are introducing yourself to have suffered greatly and know you have also. In ways talking to someone who has not been abused is easier as they are not able to fully understand the depth of the experience.
Due to this being an introduction to me and my first post I will stick to some pretty general areas. Because this is a site devoted to those of us who have been abused , and our needs, I will just say that during my childhood I was subject to sexual, physical, emotional, and often urinated on in my own home. It was allowed and even encouraged because I was not a full part of the family, I was adopted.
I had no rights growing up, and I was even prevented from having books, school texts or just reading books in the house for over 6 years. So my education is stunted. The boys and girls who lived with us, who I refer to as my step siblings ( with a bad taste in my mouth) were allowed to so as the wished to me.
Move forward to my 20's and I had to decide if I wanted to be the person they wished me to be, a slave to their hateful emotions and desires, or a person I could respect and admire, one I could see in the mirror as shaving and like.
I lost my youth,and fought for my life in the middle ages, but at an age of fifty, which I was never to reach according to one doctor who recorded my varies results of abuse when I was about 6, I have a grand life and a wonderful existence.
I met and married the most wonderful man in 1990. We couldn't marry in 1990 in New Hampshire so we made our own commitment to each other on October 12 1990. We have had 23 years of adventure every since. He only found out from me about my childhood abuse in 2007, but he already figured it out, he just never brought it up.
I have my good times and my bad. Anyone who visits my blogs knows that...pretty safe blog is Scottiestoybox.com but it does talk about my own abuse in posts, and the other blog I have is firstname.lastname@example.org ...now that one has nudes on it and may not be safe viewing for younger people.
I am very lucky in my life. I recently went into the vortex, the horrible place where my mind couldn't stop and the past made me relive it repeatedly. I am lucky. I have not only my own family, which took all sharp things I could cut my self away, but so many online people who wrote to me and tried their best to help. Many of them suffered abuse themselves so in some ways I felt bad to have them needing to touch that part of themselves, but in truth rather than a month of despair and maybe an attempted suicide, they pulled me out in a little more than a week. Grand and grand people.
An introduction as to who I am as to how I feel I am, is this. I am Scottie, I am a sensitive, I have had exams by psychologists, who say I have a "bunny" personality , which means I love things and people and being alive but I have no way of protecting myself and no way to set boundaries, I can not fight back,even when being abused I lack the ability to stick up for or fight for my self.
I am so lucky, my director at work on getting this information went above and beyond the need and totally supported me, she gave me complete discretion if need be to leave the floor, to come to her, ( and I have ) at any time, night day, or work or nonwork ) and she put it out to all staff that anyone messing with me, or trying to harm me would be FIRED. She went to these steps because I was sexually assaulted at work because I am gay. No I did not press charges even though many tried to get me to..My worry was Ron, when he found out he wanted to kill the guy, and I did not want my love of life in prison over this. However my entire department and my day shift co-workers banded together and if any one even yells at me they react. Nice to be loved at work.
What do I do, I am a CNAA in a surgical ICU. However that really doesn't describe what I really do. Basily because it is an ICU the nurses do all primary patient care. I am an assistant to them, and extra set of hands when need be, a runner and fetcher, and someone to help them contact doctors and departments. I use to be a unit secretary but now they make the doctors and others put in their own orders so I am totally for the nurses who need a hand with their PTs. I also am in charge of needed dietary supplies and forms and paperwork. I have a large amount of duty hats but no responsibility. And the job pays very well.
Once in a while you will get some nurse who will try to abuse your being there, well my own nurses I work with won't let it happen, they get rather vocal about protecting me. Which doesn't mean I don't give my all to the job. By the time I leave I am spent, dead, my body and bones near collapse.
Due to my early years of abuse my body developed a bone disease and basically to make it simply, I have ever7 bone disease except cancer at this time. I have an artificial hip and partial leg, I have fractures in all my bones and I have spots in my spine where the vertebrae have failed, I have all the spine and bone issues from bones too thin to bones too thick in places, I have spurs and in my spine I have open places where the disc material has either gone or pushed out into the nerve channel and is causing further problems. Because of my bone problems I no longer produce enough red blood cells, and my muscles trying to help my bones , makes them inflamed, the inflammation also kills the red blood cells, making me very anemic and one of the few people the doctors urge to eat as much red meat as I can.
That is a base physical assessment, both bone and muscle problems, I get monthly allergy shots, ( lucky only four and that is up from weekly, ) and also monthly pain clinic shots to help my muscles which are trying to take place of my bones, but that is not their job so it causes a huge amount of pain. Last month I got 18 shots from the pain clinic and four from the allergy clinic. Lucky for me I have good medical, or I would be in real bad shape.
So to cut to the heart of it. Who am I? I am a guy who feels very lucky to have the life I now have, a wonderful , ( if not sometimes stressful ) 23 year relationship with someone who adores me, a 21 year old son I am greatly proud of, even if we do butt heads now and again. I have a good life. I have two cats who stick to me, and make my allergies go crazy. I have a grand life, my only wish is I could sleep the night with out a "bad" dream. One thing that has helped me greatly is to have gotten my first family member. Who is ten years younger than me,and noticed one time I was in emotional distress, he jumped with email and calls and became my younger brother, the only sibling I have, and I am so grateful to him.
So there it is with out details, I am a man in his fifties, who was sexually , physically, emotionally, and fluidly abused during my childhood, who got out of it after a horrible beating my 17 year where a local family paid to have me go to a private school out of state. When I got out of there I went into the military and tied my best to either heal or deny it all.
Just one further thing. I have for years been coming to this site, scared and reading bits and pieces before I had to run away to protect my mind and body from the vortexes that take my mind and spirit and the memories in my head. That some of you can tell what happened to you so ...IT is amazing to me, a nightmare will have me in a ball screaming, and my most loved one at a loss how to help...yet you seem strong enough to talk about the rapes and the being peed on...I love you, I wish you well, but I don't think I am there, or anywhere near there yet.
Hugs and lots of love, Scottie
Hugs and Best Wishes,