Hi, my fraternal brothers,
I often mention about those daily triggering events that we encounter on our journey to find ourselves & to heal that inner child.
Since I have moved into what I call civilization ( a town or city) that has more than 3,000 souls in it. This one has 66,000+. I have more or less kept myself sort of a hermit, a loner if you will. Avoiding most contact visual or personal at all cost. Especially when it came to the female of the species.
My story is posted in most of the forums for all to see, so I wonít repeat my problems in dealing with females.
I had always knew that as a gay boy/man that I wasnít ever supposed to have been married in the first place., and those stories will confirm that fact.
I will tell you that this gay boy/man got married to a female who bore him a biological son. She already had son, from a previous marriage. It will be because this lonely & abused boy, now a man, had seen another young boy who was being treated just like he was. I paid attention to that young boy while he was there with his mom & ďstep-father.ď She would become attracted to me because she had finally seen someone paying attention to her son & showing him kindness and caring. As they say the rest is history.
We then spent 36 years together, until I walked out the door & her life forever without a shred of any kind of an emotion. None-Zero. No goodbye, no hug, no thanks, no kiss & no tears from me. I never had shown her any kind of an emotional & mental bonding. Hardly ever paid much attention to her it was like she was never there. No matter where we went or what we were doing. For an example, we would be sitting together in a cafť having a cup of coffee or tea. I would always be staring out into space, anywhere but looking or acknowledging that she was right there with me. We hardly ever said two words to each other, not that she didnít try and get me to come around to even look at her, let alone talk. Iíll admit that she gave me 100% of herself plus two fine sons. No doubt in my mind.
I have spent some time with her, sort of reluctantly on my various Christmas trips back to Germany to spend with my boys. Son & grandsons.
Even while we were still together and she almost died from stomach cancer, I never ever showed her any kind of an emotion in her pains & illnesses that are associated with cancer patients. None-Zero. She is a year and a half older than I am She is now 75. She is weak & frail & she is almost totally legally blind & she is alone. Iím sure that way back when we got married that when one listens to that solemn vow one takes she thought someone would be with her for the rest of her life.
Perhaps, if all the CSA stuff hadnít come to my conscious mind and stayed buried forever in my heart & soul, and even though there was never an emotional or mental bonding from me to her. Someone would still be there for her another human being to help her through her dark days.
Today, At McDonalds having gone in for a cup of coffee to try and learn how to be comfortable around others, I get my coffee & sit in my usual table & right across the way a lady sitting in a booth having breakfast looked just like my wife, facial features right down to the type of make-up & clothes she wears.
All of a sudden this emotionless boy/man towards females starts going deep inside of himself. This image of his (separated) wife sitting there all alone brings back the guilt & shame that he assumed after he walked out the door & her life forever. He starts getting emotional, his eyes start getting watery & he feels like a piece of crap. I canít stop looking out the corner of my eyes at that woman sitting there. I canít stop thinking about a lady whom had given me 100%+ of herself emotionally & mentally.
A lady that now needs someone to be there with her in her darkness.
Iím sure that she is sitting there telling herself over & over Peter, the worst day in my life is the day that I met you. You married me under false pretences as Iíve come to know. Why didnít you tell me all about yourself before we married? I never would have married you. I always sensed that something was wrong with you. But, Iíll admit Peter, I had always told our son just why have I ever put up with your father all these years? Iím sorry that I ever had.
You have not only ruined my life but it also cost me my sons life too. He might still be here if we both never had ever met you.
Guilt & shame over a cup of coffee & even for a fleeting moment this emotionless boy/man had a feeling for his wife. He even started to cry over it.
A daily trigger that we often encounter, because of a sight, smell & noise that unexpectedly sends us back deep inside of ourselves.
Sometimes I truly believe that itís better being a hermit after all.
But then again, how would I ever have been able to try and lead that lost boy from the depths of darkness into the sunshine?
How & when will we be able to overcome our fear & hatred for all females, because of one female in that boys young life his ďmom.?
Still very much a back & forth battle in our long war to find ourselves. A battle that this boy/man cannot afford to lose.
Thanks for listening to me.
Wish all my brothers here well on their journey in healing.
ďI will take that lost boys hand, and I will lead him from the depths of darkness, into the sunshine, forever into eternity.Ē As he is me.
I seriously doubt that in my lifetime I will ever be a "Survivor" of Female Abuse.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.