@Lucy, I appologise if my rewording was confusing, I just wanted to illustrate the point that the meaning of even the concept of s/x to an abuse surviver can be such a different and alien thing to how it is for anyone else.

To me, just at the point in my development when I should! have been gently exploring s/x as a teenager as something at least fun, at most an expression of actual love and intamcy, it was given a different meaning. I actually can't even imagine circumstances of being naked with another person and not freezing or feeling that sense of disgust, the memory of that humiliation, even reading the word is a slightly dirty concept to me, like the thought of drinking out of a toilet.

This is why I've never looked for a prostitute or similar, though I admit I have a morbid curiosity. I mb (actually probably more often than I should), but that is to take care of the matter and hopefully stop myself from having nightmares, since for me all! s/xual dreams are nightmares simply because! they are s/xual.

As I said this is something I could imagine fixing with another person, but it'd take a lot of work, indeed when I think! about the sort of relationship I would like to have, the most physical intimacy I imagine is kissing, since anything else is just, ---- well bad!

Of course, I am genophobic, and that isn't really something I can fix without! someone tto fix it with, and as far as I can gather complete and total genophobia isn't quite as common among survivers, indeed I find Crux' comment about his mum somewhat ironic given how for me if anything my! mum has pushed me in the direction of finding a s/xual partner, making s/xual jokes in my hearing and once even offering to find me a prostitute "to fix things"

Really, if I didn't think it'd have serious medical effects and likely profoundly change my singign voice I'd considder full medical castration, since I do not like having a libido, particularly one as active as mine appears to be.