Joined the site only recently, but read it for a couple of years. I appreciate many posts that have helped me in the past.

I am a survivor of sexual abuse. More than one abuser, from about age 4 up until age 15. Some of the abuse was violent. Some, less violent, but more frequent and the situations lasted for a much longer time. My family situation was violent and abusive in other ways. For years after the abuse ended I continued making choices that perpetuated its effects.

I have been in therapy in the past.

I am here now for a couple reasons.

For one, I feel a need for some community in this. I have known other survivors but I typically do not allow myself much support. This has hurt me.

Second, ptsd. I don't even know what to say about it. While its been worse in the past, including with blackouts (if that's the word for those), I've never been as tired of it as I am right now: nightmares, flashbacks, triggers, insomnia, anger, distance. I don't feel I am in crisis, I just want things to change.

I would appreciate any support you guys might offer, especially with the ptsd stuff. I also hope to be in a position to help and support others here.
I always tried one thing:
To make what happened to me not matter at all.
Turns out, it was supposed to matter.
Who knew?