I am struggling quite a bit with rather or not I was sexually abused as an adult or not. I have a lot of feelings of guilt and shame and honestly lately this has bothered me more than my CSA I experienced. Its like everyone I talk to has a different opinion, my best friend doesn't believe I was abused and that I consented a long with other people. However, I have just as many people saying I was abused so I am very confused at this point. I would like to post the facts and see what everyone on here feels it was.
The facts are, I met an older women (48) in a psychiatric hospital when I was 20 and we shared contact information. Afterwards she said she wanted to be my friend we hung out with each other. The whole time I was oblivious to the fact she wants a sexual relationship. She finally tells me she wants a sexual relationship and I guess I was actually okay with the idea at this point; I really don't know how I felt about it, I just brushed it off. The next few times I seen her she acted very sexual around me and we set up a date and time to have sex. Up until this point I guess I consented but here where things take a turn for the worse. She picks me up and I am obviously shaken at the idea of sex but never expressed a verbal disinterest. The older woman noted I was "tense" and offered me drugs and alcohol.
Drugs included marijuana and ecstasy and I drank maybe 4-5 beers. I was moderately drunk but you have to remember it was the first time drinking so my tolerance was low, same with the marijuana and ecstasy. Anyway she takes me to hotel and begins to come on to me sexually and I resisted very little before cooperating. I felt horrible during the sexual experience, I wanted to say no but I didn't for some reason. I felt like it was too late for me to change my mind seeing as how she already paid for the hotel and a part of me felt too impaired to disagree with anything.
My friends believe that because I didn't say no, I consented and I can't help but feel the same way. About the only thing that makes me feel like I was raped was the fact that she offered me drugs but did not do them herself. The guilt is overwhelming, I feel horribly guilty because I knew ahead of time she wanted sex but still didn't end the relationship. I feel ashamed in the fact I didn't say no despite feeling such a strong urge to voice my true feelings.
Was this sexual abuse or did I consent like my friend said?